Style, or something like it

I like clothes but find people who expend a lot of energy on how they look inherently vacuous. Then again, I am a bit of a snob myself, and wouldn't be caught dead wearing something like tracksuit pants or a denim shirt to the grocer's.

However, I don't subscribe to most of the trends propagated by the society at large or the style fascism disseminated by men's magazines. It's not that my sense of style differs so conspicuously from the median when it comes to threads, but there are certain distinctions and variations, however slight they may seem.

Men's magazines at the more reputable end of the spectrum are generally very good. GQ and Arena are both worth a peek, but my money has to be on Esquire Magazine. All of these mags employ deft writers and on the main feature interesting stuff. If, however, you don't buy into the whole sleazy machismo and/or posh upper middle-class thing (I know I don't), you might be put off by the reputation and outward appearance of these magazines, not altogether unreasonably.

Twat

Although I like these mags, my biggest problem with them, of which GQ has to be the worst offender, is that they seem to be aimed at the prototypical high-powered executive or lawyer (or Brand Conceptualization Director or whatever people are nowadays called) with cash to burn, snort, and flush down the toilet. GQ routinely features suits in the four-figure range, as well as all kinds of obscenely pricey gadgets, including a $300,000 Porsche Design speedboat in its last issue. The same issue also contained a short sidebar on slide belts. The cheapest one cost a little under 400 bucks.

Then again, the August issue of the US Esquire magazine contained this super-interesting albeit also super-long article on the city of Shenzhen in China. So do what the 50s man-about-town purported to be doing with Playboy - read 'em for the articles.

To act as antidote to the swanky mass stylings of men's mags, here are my men's style DON'Ts for people who couldn't give a toss about DOs and DON'Ts lists. (A DOs list might be forthcoming but don't hold your breath.) My guiding idea is to avoid clothing and accessories that makes you look like a twat, which does admittedly preclude mountains upon mountains of men's garb from inclusion.

DON'Ts

- (Since this cannot be stressed enough) Anything that makes you look like an asshole, ie. someone who could appear on The Hills, looks like Alexei Eremenko Jr or could be found in a club blasting trance, etc.

- Those slender, slightly pointy-toed trainers still so popular among the male populace. Not only will these make you look like an asshole, they suggest you are the kind of person who tries to jump on the style bandwagon two years after it has passed your station. Sneakers are supposed to be deliciously chunky, as ready for braving the rain-drenched or sun-scorched streets of the metropolis as they are for a spin on the dancefloor.

Just say no

- Castro cap. This won't necessarily make you look like a wanker, but in my books the Castro cap has been over for at least a year and a half.

- Fake (or even real) ear studs and other items that used to be referred to as bling (which word I agree with megalomaniac extraordinaire 'Ye West is completely passé as well, and should only ever be uttered by middle-aged white people). Once over a year has passed since the Nr 1 domestic print media has done a piece on something, you know it is well and truly beyond over.

- Tribal patterns. If you jumped in and tatted yourself up when tribal was all the rage, there's only so much you can do. What you can do, however, is avoid tribal patterns on clothes like the plaque.

- Billowing button-up shirts. Only worn by engineers and general bores.

- Jeans with embroidery, "unusual" pockets and the like. Best suited to 18-year-old bodybuilding upstarts who try too hard. Most designer jeans are for dickheads as well.

Twat

- Flip-flops. These signal the kind of self-consciously "relaxed", perma-tanned island resort assholery best left to the Enrique Iglesiases of this world. You could sport a functional pair at the beach or in the gym/hostel shower, but steer clear of the leather ones.

- The Crocs. This summer has seen the proliferation of what is possibly the most hideously ugly shoe in the history of the world, the Croc. I mean, people actually have the gall to walk around downtown wearing these monstrosities. It boggles the mind, really.

The Crocs: why, sweet Jesus, why?