Liveblogging the Eurovision Semifinal

Finland is organizing its first (and last, I might add) Eurovision Song Contest in my home town of Helsinki. There are all types of Eurovision-affiliated happenings everywhere, tourists flocking into town and what have you, with the actual Eurovision venue located not too far from where I live. All of which has, of course, left me decidedly cold. (Which might have something to do with the cold I'm nursing... See what I did there?) All the more reason, then, to liveblog the Semifinal from the comfort of my couch. Let us begin.

I’m late to this thing. Seems I missed the completely ridiculous performances by, at least, Bulgaria and Israel, the latter one representing the most misguided attempt at combining urban music genres and politics with the Eurovision formula – it sounds like something your father would end up making given these parameters.

It’s Iceland, with an eight-rate Meat Loaf/Coverdale clone, with a hint of hobo thrown in for good measure. They’ve got three guitar players. Overdoing the whole post-Lordi rock thing, are we?

Georgia has a blinding beauty working some etno/pop magic. And guys who look like Will Ferrell dancing in some sort of pseudo-trad garb.

It’s Leppis. and Jaana Pelkonen! Pelkonen is trying too hard to achieve native intonation, and ends up all over the place, stressing words in all the wrong places.

Rock, Montenegro-style. More guitars, and horribly dressed guitarists, not to mention the hobbit-esque singer complete with some sort of natural-wool sensible-man blouse. This is already the second drummer who plays standing up during the headbanging – or ”headbanging” – part of the song.

DJ Bobo has cut his hair at some point since 1993, but it sadly hasn’t helped his singing ability. ”Vampires are alive”. Sure. There have been plenty of ridiculous-looking acts thus far, but this just might take the cake. Oh my fucking God.

We are told Moldova is repped by a local bombshell. Let’s see if this holds true... Well, she’s your garden-variety Eastern European beaut, not overly breathtaking or anything.

Do I need to say something about the music? Thought so.

Now they’re again doing the whole song and dance about how big of a deal this is in global terms – the angle being how much attention Finland will get. Honestly: who gives a toss?

Jaana and Mikko are trying too hard. (Look it’s reindeer and Saami people in traditional dress. Cause that’s what Finland’s like!)

The Netherlands with a rather traditional, jaunty, Abba-esque Eurovision number. Nice, and one of the first people who can actually sing so far. Rather voluptuous dancers, too. Always a plus.

(More shots of Lapland and Laplanders. But where are all the polar bears?)

I expected more from Albania, not this cheesy sub-Andrea Bocelli crap. Something in keeping with their illustrious history, like a skeletal swamp blues / Albanian folk hybrid – with hardcore lyrics about the means of production. Why not?

It’s actually not too bad.

There’s a drag artist from Denmark coming up. His song’s called Drama Queen, which, if nothing else, competes for the title of ”Most Obvious Song Title in the History of Mankind”. He looks like your neighbour dressed in pink peacock feathers and a dress. Not a good look. One of the most unappetizing drag queens I’ve seen... this week.

Croatia wheels out a 57-year-old dude. Let’s hope his pacemaker holds up. Plodding pub rock, with lyrics about ”my pain”. Not even funny. He’s got a hot sidekick who looks like Shakira though.

Poland is attempting to rip off Timbaland – only for the song to burst into a colourful Outkast-lite chorus. Not altogether appalling. We, apparently, have the right to party. Why, thank you.

Serbia has just carted out a hybrid of Nana Mouskouri, Toby Jones and Rosie O’Donnell (on the right). I don’t understand this. Portentous lyrics about praying, love, and all that jazz ensue.

(Update! They actually won it all, leaving me completely flummoxed. I've now heard their tune a number of times, and I still can't even begin to understand why anyone would vote for its preposterous, belting pseudo-drama. The fact that the vocalist projected a completely humorless, unsympathetic persona sure didn't help.)

(Update II: I wasn't imagining things when I called her unsympathetic and humorless. In the post-victory press conference she went on to present us with the rather megalomaniacal idea that it was God's plan that she won, while also praising voters for valuing songcraft over showbiz glamour. Lest we forget, this is the Eurovision we're talking about. In the grand history of spoilsports, she must rank right behind notorious sourpuss, Old Testament God himself.)

The Czechs (that’s word’s a bitch to get right) are in the contest for the first time. They’ve entered a Czech hard rock band, which reminds me of a constant thought I’ve been having concerning Finnish rock bands. I bet Finns don’t realize how stupendously ridiculous domestic rock bands they adore look and sound like to non-Finnish-speaking people. Just think how utterly irrelevant and hilariously self-important Greek or Belgian or German rock bands sound like to us. Same thing.

These clips about Finland are so precious it’s not even funny. Portugal has a certified hottie performing a tepid number, which must be what gets played at Portuguese petrol stations, and the homes of the undereducated. I’m being crass, I know. Very nice legs though.

Macedonia. I bet it’s a scorching woman. Yup (below left). Not a bad song either, with her singing in Macedonian. Eastern and Mediterranean countries have really perfected the whole ”let’s send a long-legged blinder and hope everyone votes for the legs” routine. Hasn’t worked that well, if memory serves. She just switched to English, which was a nice touch. Best tune thus far.

It seems Norway has jumped on this badwagon as well – with a Spanish-speaking chorus and all. Finland has tried that trick in the past, too. She’s kinda old, isn’t she though? Oooh, dress change mid-song. And another one. Yeppee, and all that. Some grumblings from the female quotient in the announcing booth.

Malta has two topless guys on stage, one of whom is pretending to play the electric violin, of all things. They’ve also plonked a Chinese gong on stage. The wind machine is jacked up to 11. The lyrics to the song Vertigo, we learn, were influenced by the eponymous Hitchcock film. But of course.

It’s Busted! Yes it is, only the Andorran version, singing in Catalan, I guess. Pretty funny. This song could soundtrack any movie starring the Andorran Olsen twins, if there indeed were such a thing. Let’s pray there’s not, for Andorra’s sake.

Yup, now they’re playing some game in a swamp in one of the video postcard clips. Oh, how preeningly eccentric and quaint can we Finns get? Very, it seems.

Hungary’s limp super-soft rock ballad gives me a bad case of the whatevers. For some unfathomable reason, they’ve a bus stop sign on the stage.

Now we are at a traditional Finnish summer dance. Oh, dear.

The Estonian rep is going for the +30-hair stylist-with-a-fake-tan look, and narrowly escaping with it. The song is craptaculous though.

Belgium: Smarmy douchebag with a perma-grin and bad accent for a singer, and summery lite-funk. In other words, I’m loving it. Apparently, they are called The Krazy Mess Groovers. Hilarious as all fuck.

Slovenia has another one of those Nightwish/Evanescence-type wailing ”divas”, except the song ain’t heavy metal but rather techno as done by studio musicians. Oooh, she has some lights in the palm of her hand. Look, daddy! Pretty horrible.

What’s this, then? A fat-faced Turkish George Michael clone, with the song exhibiting some Justin Timberlake aspirations. Yeah, no.

How is it humanly possible that all of these songs suck ass so thoroughly? I mean, really; you’d think at least some good songs would slide in almost by default.

This is gonna be bad. It is. It’s Austria, a country remembered for producing two things – Hitler and Schwarzenegger. I thought they stopped making this type of faux-rock at about the time Stiltskin folded. As ever, I was wrong.

WTF? These guys have top hats on, AND they’re attempting the whole Il Divo thing. Grandmas and sex-starved moms everywhere swoon, the rest of us feel an acute urge to overdose on cough medicine. Those hats sure look utterly moronic.

It’s over. The voting time is over as well. Let’s see who gets in the Final. As if I’d give two flying fucks. They’re trotting out a dance performance, which is all done in pretty good taste, with modernized Finnish folk music in the background. I think YLE is gonna come out on top of this thing. It’s like, has anyone ever managed to mess up the production end of Eurovision? Don’t think so. Just throw out every manner of flashy and tacky shit, and everyone’ll be happy as a clam.

Oh no, they’ve let Marzi Nyman out of his sensibly kitted out city apartment to rave about the stage with his guitar like a guy who’s trying too hard to act like a crazy person. ”Affected” is the operative word here, as ever with Nyman.

Mikko Leppilampi (who I’ve seen with his Barbie family in my trendy local eaterie/bar looking like a complete asshole out of touch with anything resembling real life, but let’s not get into that...) is repeating for the umpteenth time tonight that it’s a party in here. Woohoo. You should brush up on that English, Mikko, old chap. It seems he’s doing most of the talking.

Belarus is in. So is Macedonia. Fair tune, that.

Slovenia in. Boo. Hungary is in the Final, and I can’t understand why. Georgia in – it was one of the better songs.

Top hat dudes are in. What I was afraid of: they might actually end up winning the frigging thing. Never underestimate the idiocy of man.

The, let’s say, singular-looking Serbian girl is in.

Bulgaria. Turkey. Moldova. Whatever. I’m out like Dirk Nowitzki.